the shattered thoughts of Raymond DeeKay

in life we sometimes find that memories are more powerful than events happening in the present.
i found that after my last entry in this fruitless blog of mine, i was reduced to a wreck of nerves and my pen would no longer bleed.

i have been watching the news a lot recently and cannot help but wonder, as i’m sure we all do, just how important is my story in the grand scheme of things?

well, only time will tell…as always.

the answer that i realised recently is that all of our stories are important. vastly important.

the earth is a stage and we - all of us - are essential in the dramatic twists and turns that life has to offer in this epic story.

we must all continue…and i am no exception.

RDK

I was now forced to watch.

Syd and his assistant moved their attention to the head of the corpse, the elder propping a block underneath the base of the skull for support. The boy - who had more stomach than I - pottered over to a trolley, which contained numerous sterilised equipment, to fetch the mini saw.

I watched through gritted teeth as Syd took a scalpel and cut into the back of the girl’s head and pulled the scalp away from the bone and flipped it over so that it covered her face, revealing the pure white top of the skull.

“Drill Please.” Syd asked in a surprisingly polite manner. Even he was aware of the sensitive nature of the procedure he was about to undertake. The younger man handed him the drill and the most hateful noise erupted from the device as he switched it on.

A teeth grinding sound of metal scraping against bone filled the room and I wanted to run away - far away. I didn’t want to be in that fucking room anymore. I had only spent two days in the company of death and yet I was already exhausted by his heaving cloud of black that he hung over me. I couldn’t stand it any longer.

But she made me stay. She forced me.
There was one more thing she wanted me to understand, but I had to endure this one last thing to fully realise the message.
She was trying to help.

The drill was finally silenced and Syd handed the device back to the young helper. With  a careful skill he placed both hands in the top half of the exposed skull and simply tugged, pulling it free and exposing the brain. It was red and looked like it had been painted with old blood. I was not far wrong.

“You see this Ray?” Syd asked. I refused to walk forward. “Blood on the brain. Someone must have hit her bloody hard to cause this.”

“Could nothing else have caused it?” I asked, trembling. Syd shook his head.

“No.” He held up the skull cap in his hand and showed a rather deep crack. “The skull is fractured. Someone hit her over the head.”

I no longer felt sick. I felt depressed. I encountered the lowest forms of life every day in my job, but when you are forced to witness something like this it really knocks the wind out of your sails.

“Is that what killed her?” I asked.

“That and the removal of the organs.” He replied.

A sudden terror gripped me.
“You mean to tell me that she was still alive when she was being gutted?” I asked.

Syd merely nodded.
I turned to the empty space in the room next to me where I knew Sally to be.

“You need to understand that this is just flesh and bone. Nothing more.” She said.

In thought only I asked her desperately if I could leave. She simply said ‘yes’ and I found myself propelled toward the door, leaving the two men with more mind than stomach to the remainder of their grizzly task.

I got outside and the fresh air was a pleasant change, but even that was not enough to stop me from vomiting in a side street.

“It gets easier, you know.” Deacon’s voice popped out of nowhere.

I looked up, my vision blurred with tears and saw him standing in the shadows wearing his trilby. He appeared to be staring at his feet, but I knew that he had been waiting for me. Patient as ever.

“I know how you feel, Ray. I felt the same after my first corpse. It does get easier, let me tell you.” He remarked.

“Does it?” I groaned. “Or do we just forget what it felt like to have not seen a dead body?”

Deacon remained silent.
He simply walked over to me and with one strong gloved hand, gripped my under-arm and pulled me to my feet. We stood eye to eye and he simply smiled and patted my shoulder.

“Go home. We’ll catch up for lunch tomorrow. My treat.” He said.

“OK.” I laughed, possibly in shock from the situation. “How did you ever get used to that so quickly?”

Deacon smiled wisely with a sparkle in his eye.
“Well, my first one was in 1977!” And we both laughed.

My mentor started to escort me down the side street toward the main road and I realised just how far I had come in my career. Was this a positive step? Would I go far with this job? It felt right at the time, but only time (as always) would tell.

We reached the main road and were about to go our separate ways when Deacon stopped me and began to tighten his gloves.

“I just hope we can identify her soon.” He said.
It was then that I decided to speak up.

“Check any girls who are missing by the name of Sally.” I said quickly.

“Sally?” Deacon laughed. “Where on Earth did you get that name from?”

“Just try it. For old times sake?”

Deacon frowned at me and then his features wrinkled into a smile.
“OK. I’ll humor you…but only this once.” He laughed. “Now go home!”
And then he began to stride back down the main road.

I knew he would find Sally. I also knew that in a few hours I would get an amazed phone call from him. Due to this fact alone I also knew that very soon we would also have a devastated family on our hands.

I began to walk in the opposite direction and looked up at the sky and at the clouds. I could see a giant teddy floating there and for a brief moment I was filled with a huge amount joy in this bubble of sadness.

I hoped this moment would last forever.

RDK